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Monday, August 17, 2015

喧囂 Too Loud A Solitude

If, if I am to write another post inspired by Hannibal, God, I need help!  Beyond helps I am.  It is Dante where the frail maiden eats a piece of your burning heart from the fair hand of Venus.  It is E.E. Cummings when your glance of knowing ignites my soul.  After Dr. Lecter studied the files of Francis D, he summed up, 'This is a very shy boy, Will.  I would love to meet him.'  How Hannibal saw the root of the root with a nonchalant empathy was disturbing.
Blue Bottle Coffee at the old Border's location in Palo Alto.

每週觀賞Hannibal後我都會陷入浪漫的沈思不可自拔, 這可是食人魔的故事啊! 是不是內心深處的我其實是個大變態呢?
細嚼故事中簡約纖細多層次的台詞, 句句剝繭抽絲, 直視深心之罪.  童年的我老成孤僻, 對父母親的婚姻只能當個冷漠的局外人保護自己, 對友輩那接近天真的快樂, 或許是羨慕或許是嫉妒, 冷靜自持的不參與.  青少年的我企圖心強烈, 求學問的路途上懵懂的, 忍辱負重似的自憐.  直到近幾年才漸悟:  此生追求的非事業的肯定非愛情的圓滿, 而是一份'懂', 無特定對象的懂, 可以是一幅畫, ㄧ篇文章, ㄧ道佳餚… 那天知地知你知我知的通關密語, 生命本來就是浮游幻象感官之旅,  know thyself.

For the record, I never finished reading 'Too Loud A Solitude' when the subject is right up my ally.  My long lost copy might just appear when one day I need it the most.  I love watching Hannibal; it is like a weekly therapy.

Farmer's market find:  fresh zucchini blossom.  I  usually air fry them or quickly blanch and drain for salad.

大部分的人需要被愛不需要被懂, 愛, 相濡以沫; 懂, 相忘於江湖.  渴望被懂卻不為人懂的人易走險路, 那類人往往偏執聰明自戀, ㄧ將功成萬骨枯.  凡夫我輩愛得長久何嘗無弊病, 懶惰的幸福會慢慢腐蝕心性. 

一半時間的我是不抽菸的哲學家, 另一半是小資工作狂.  這把年紀臉皮應該夠厚了吧?  某些會議場合冷不防背後中箭(鐵布衫也要乾洗乎?), 竟也覺得挫折委屈, 後悔從年輕沒養成掉眼淚的習慣, 無奈時我反而微笑, 真自虐.  還好天生忘性高, 於晴朗的午后散步買杯Blue Bottle Coffee又發自內心高興起來.  能暫放所有偽裝, 任情哭一場應該很痛快, '人生若只如初見', 單純的想知道像兒童般赤裸裸的面對情緒是什麼感覺?

So many intriguing quote.  'I let you know me, see me.  I gave you a rare gift and you didn't want it.'___ Dr. Hannibal Lecter  
I must say… although the dr.'s words were eloquent(so was the delivery), his follow up action however, could only come from the most angry jilted lover :(

Five spice rubbed duck breast and sautéed tree mushroom.  Surely I picked up a tip or two from Hannibal advancing my culinary experiments, too.  It really was DUCK!!!

Okay, some veggies then.  In fact, I rather paint these fresh produce as still life.

研究所好友C同學宣布文定, 上回臺北匆匆一面大抵LK先生在場她不好意思提, 爾後方電郵將來龍去脈娓娓道來.  C同學俏生生品貌雙全, 當年在研究所與她同修學位的英俊兄長並肩佇立, 同學會所有女生(除了我)全看向她兄長, 所有男生(加上我)則愛慕的望著她!  畢業後十多年同學們紛紛嫁娶, C同學此番良緣到的於世俗眼光偏晚, 雖然我從不覺人生定要'男有分,女有歸', 看著她嬌柔美艷的訂婚照(這可不是納蘭容若而是秦觀的鵲橋仙了:)  仍深深欣慰從此她的好有位懂她的人知道.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter:  'The most beautiful quality of friendship is to understand and be understood with absolute clarity.'
Jack Crawford:  'Then this is the clearest moment of our friendship.'
The two were about to brawl leading to a brutal carnage...

Duck still, not an old friend :)

Mushrooms are saprophytes.  There is the poetry of reciprocity.

ps.  才說不哭就哭!  
今天小V第ㄧ天上新學校我請假在家方便護送, 光瞧他拖個大書包緊張得臉縮得小小的, 人生地不熟於新教室找自己的座位, 我揪心飆淚.  都說請假頂頭上司還傳簡訊要這個要那個… 我的屬下們倒識大體祝小V開學順利, 跟他們講我都快哭了, 大夥哈哈笑說真看不出來耶你 :P
My blogger friend V wrote a provocatively cute post(in Chinese only, sorry! But at least admire the images if you will) on ice cream.  I stumbled upon this new ice cream parlor in San Francisco, Smitten, ice cream churned to order.  I think I was more smitten by the pooch :)
pps.  昨天與研究所幾位同學早午餐, 某位同學太太是百分百賢妻良母, 接送打理三個孩子學琴學芭蕾學游泳羽毛球… 我自謙不及格, 沒有特別為小V規劃課外活動(除了playdate).  另位同學揶揄我是零分母親, 明知說者無心, 我聽了卻頗受傷.  小V還年幼時我心甘情願放棄熱愛的工作全天候在家帶他整整三年, 這幾年復出職場, 我沒有因為長途通勤的辛苦或精神上的壓力便選擇放棄事業或家庭其中之ㄧ, 這樣努力實踐理想的母親難道不是給孩子人生最好的榜樣?!  小V有異位性皮膚炎我幾乎餐餐親手下廚, 每個星期天晨起跑農夫市場張羅新鮮食材, 再忙皆可於三十分鐘內燒出媲美星級餐廳料理, 沒那款命也未曾艷羨'人間富貴花', 我有我'西風獨自涼'的格局和標準 :)

Instead of raising the glass to all misfits like me with what I tried to express in this post, I probably came across(or loose) like I was pointing and shooting…  WHATEVER.
別人沒有義務懂我, 我要懂自己, 舉杯 To 'Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood?'___ Emerson

6 comments:

V said...

MissLK, :)。最後一句,百感交集。

Miss LK said...

知己知彼, 吾道不孤 :)
Ps. '等待是一場優雅的戰局,是一齣惱人的戲劇'... 怎麼想到的? V的文采我很佩服!

V said...

我總覺得,愛情是一場等待,最讓人心神蕩漾的是曖昧期,要有點年紀的,不是青少年純純的愛。

Miss LK said...

可不是? 攻,怕出賣自己,守,憂慮與幸福擦肩而過... Love renders people helpless :)
青春的愛情往往是生理反應造成的懵懂錯覺. 飽經世故才明白人生種種取捨,每個選擇都有一定的代價. 愛情的先決條件要放下自尊,坦承不為人知的脆弱. 我天性擅長分析剖解,哪個年紀都不是談情說愛的人才 :(

Monica Chang said...

最後一句,太贊同不已!

Miss LK said...

適可而止的懂, 太洞悉先機很蒼涼 :)

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