韜晦 Revision

Confronting your own mortality makes one reflect what really matters.  I have had the unique opportunity in the past due to medical reasons and thankfully made it back with much gratitude.  This time, the surgeries were literally about 're-vision'.

拖延許久, 終究大動兩場手術, 將眼球推回顱腔… 心情忐忑精神緊張, 雙眸乃靈魂之窗重要性自不消說, 醫學再進步, 全身麻醉手術仍有其危險性, ㄧ旦沈睡, 生命花火半明半滅, 復甦焉知此生或彼岸?

先動左眼, 術後數天血淚斑斑, LK先生怕血, 小V粗枝大葉, LK咬牙獨眼替自己清理傷口上藥, 縫線讓眼睛開合小了大半, 微現的眼白充血, 淚水浸潤的黑眼珠詭異而表情豐富, 像海產店冰塊上堆的烏賊巨目, 手術檯上, 刀俎魚肉.

Crazily enough, I was looking forward to not only the physiological remedy but also a mental break from the endless zoom meetings.  On high level, my profession allows me to contribute to the greater good(not the opposite I hope).  On mid level, it provides a social identity and for the very basics, earns a living.  I was too busy asking myself honest questions.

修養期間不如之前想像可盡情讀書聽音樂, 昏頭漲腦, 食慾不振, 惡魘連連.  一時夢到LK是某鬼魅食堂大廚, 戴黑眼罩握長刀, 生劏活剝滑溜溜的人魚捏就貫貫握壽司奉客; 清醒的時候又覺得自己彷彿戰壕傷兵, 索性聆聽講述二次世界大戰的podcast, 與Churchill齊呼Sink the Bismarck! 隨de Gaulle高唱馬塞進行曲, 手舞足蹈入戲非常.

Temporarily 'out of sight', I relished the WWII podcast series, reacquainted with Roosevelt, de Gaulle and Churchill.  While technology might have advanced in the past seventy years, the ideology of nationalism remains nebulous and more dangerous than ever.

趁單眼尚可用, 兩場手術間仍遠端工作一星期, 省得餘空胡思亂想.  端看Zoom會議倒影, 若海盜船長或Mad Eye Moody, 突覺混充氣質才女半輩子, 或許有稜有角的冷狠型格更適合自己 :)  左右眼相同手術, 醫院作業SOP卻稍有不同, 醫療團隊皆親切, 麻醉沉睡前最後記憶是天花版幾盞複眼手術燈, 彷如航向外太空. 

There is likely a neurological explanation, when closing my post-op eyes I thought I would 'see' the normal darkness but instead, it was oscillating color strokes swirling upward to the oculus of a conservatory?  If anyone knows the reason for what I experienced, enlighten me, please.

病痛時深覺平安日常即大幸福:  術後第一場熱水澡, 能不反胃喝口清湯, 冰敷靜躺冥思, 感受四月花香和午后微暖陽光.  某天小V鑽進被窩緊緊握著我手喃喃低語:  媽咪怎麼縮水了, 像小布偶.  唉, 才不過數年前, 兒子還是我怎麼都抱不厭親不完的泰迪熊呢.

The chief surgeon, the anesthetist, the nurses,,, everyone I interacted with at the SHC was super nice.  Considering how stressful the hospital environment is and if the medical team could still be empathetic and caring, there is no reason for people in other settings to be unkind.  Some professions equate cutthroat meanness with brilliance and celebrate bad characters.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

外面的世界繼續混亂, 針對亞裔的種族仇恨亦發猖獗, 身為亞裔, 憤怒驚懼屈辱, 百感交集.  所有恨無端暴力行爲皆為低劣的控訴:  汝等待我如糞土, 讓我移轉霸凌, 欺壓看似缺乏反擊能力的老弱婦孺.  人, 萬物之靈?!  不不不, 地球最大的恥辱.

Listening to news was distressing.  Anti-Asian hate crime has surged since the onset of COVID pandemic, targeting the vulnerable and the elderly.  How low could humanity stoop?  Transferring hatred from one gender to the other and among different racial groups only begets more venom.  In the midst of anger and frustration, besides COVID vaccines, I wanted to scream for an injection of the super soldier serum Karli had.

公司內成立亞裔抗暴聯盟, 開始質疑, 亞洲文化受儒家思想的荼毒, 我們欠缺草莽氣.  一羣包括敝人在內的所謂菁英, 斯文謹慎知書達禮, 放在太平盛世, 履歷漂亮; 於亂世, 百無一用是書生.  每聽聞仇亞裔暴力事件, 我寧願自己是北斗神拳中高壯善鬥的猛漢, 以暴制暴, 用拳頭終結世間不平.

養傷期, 感謝各方善意, 慈善基金會盟友快遞我喜愛的Farmgirl Flowers焰火般的花束, 工作室團隊寄來Marou Chocolates, 日本茶, 鋼筆銅尺筆記本, 可見敝人嗜好明確, 價值觀清楚易懂.  手術前老友M來電探問, 說他上網查詢手術內容, 語帶哽咽, 反倒是我開玩笑安慰他, 現在重學彈琴不知來得及否, 若術後視力大損, 起碼有Rachmaninoff相伴漫漫黑暗.  術後他寄來女兒水彩畫, 以森林為靈感的服裝設計:  赭紅瓣帽, 鵝黃蟒皮腰帶, 搖曳生姿的孔雀綠羽裙, 畫中人斜眼相凝, 十足名模架勢, 小女娃構圖大膽用色鮮艷, 難怪'把拔'等不及獻寶:)

During my convalescence, simple activities that I often took for granted became profoundly pleasurable.  A hot shower, a cold compress over my eyes, sipping chicken broth, or splaying on the sofa in the breezy April afternoon while a neighbor's cat visits our backyard to keep me company all made me falling in love with life again.

最憂慮自是LK先生, 擔起ㄧ切家務和督促小V功課.  於我面前不露愁容, 天馬行空幽默:  手術目標既是恢復自體免疫發病前眼球功能原貌, 太座大人豈不是要返老還春, 重現多年前青春明眸?(最好是!!!) 患難見真情, 敝人此生最睿智的決定, 便是與暖男LK先生偕老.