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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

代溝 The Grand Canyon

勞騷發多了, 別人讀得煩自己寫來悶… LK近日大煩惱有二: ㄧ是與母親代溝, 二是對婚姻困惑. 代溝有理說不通, 參雜情緒加倍雞飛狗跳, 唯有套用幾句老掉牙的時代曲歌辭'你的起點, 是我永遠到達不了的終點', 其實無關距離, 是兩條永無交集的平行線, 常聽著自己的母親說著灑狗血連續劇般的對白, 若出言頂撞是大逆不道, 聽著忍著我真想就此沈睡不醒, 死亡是終極自由… 時時刻刻提醒自己遇到這棘手狀況, 鐵娘子柴契爾夫人會怎麼做? 詩人辛波絲卡會寫出怎樣的字句? 反正絕對絕對不能步上Sylvia Plath後塵(我真是想太多了, 既沒人家的才氣也沒風流才子丈夫:P), 我要留有用之身做有用之事!!!
I felt like being in the prison these days and it has a proper name: FAMILY. Wherever I turn I see no exit but only DESPAIR graffiti on the walls. Thousand eyes blinking on me…
no, no, no, you do not arrest my soul and I will fight YOU until the end of the day, the end of the world when all the flowers are dying. My escape to San Francisco from time to time gives me enough incentives to soldier on. I dine therefore I am. I am eggs, salmon, cream fraise and a cluster of champagne grapes. I am beautiful, healthy, and this is just not enough.
Sitting in a corner. How I envy you, the precious freedom that fled me?

多年前讀錢鍾書的'圍城', 主軸「婚姻是被圍困的城堡,城外的人想衝進去,城裡的人想逃出來」(Le mariage est une forteresse assiégée, ceux qui sont dehors veulent y entrer, ceux qui sont dedans veulent en sortir. 兜上心頭… 說後悔太沒擔當, 如果有第三者, 當是'兩者皆可拋'的自由!!! 每每見到單身仕女優雅獨酌看書, 只要兒子母親在身邊連上個洗手間都很難不被打斷的我就忍不住羨慕羨慕還是羨慕, 幻想著我當年若沒結婚, 於'逢女必出嫁否則是醜聞'的LK家應該是眾親友皆不願正視的小黑羊, 那小黑羊LK便可歡天喜地繼續徜漾青青河畔草, 何來今朝悲莘無限?! 自由有其代價, 然走到這步, 明知山有虎亦比坐困愁城甘美千萬倍.
What's wrong with tea for one or coffee for one? Why do we always need to share or come in pairs? I will slip on a red shoe and a green shoe, tip toe and tap dance.
Copper pots make me HAPPY :) They have this everlasting timeless quality… the cook, the thief, his wife, and her lover. Worry about my insanity? A pot of gold will help and shhh…. you don't know what I have endured so don't even get me started. To joke about one's misfortune is pure cruelty.

人求生意志不可小歔, 數著將開始新工作的日子微笑, 想著我的作家夢讀著Loneliness as a Way of Life, 此時此刻的悲傷與憤怒, 有朝ㄧ日都會沈澱, 化為翩翩起舞的字蝴蝶吧? 驅車到舊金山海邊, 天那麼藍, 風輕輕拂著, 兩行清淚掛在臉頰上, 我發誓, 眼淚只為美好的事物感動而流, 不要再浪費任何ㄧ滴眼淚於負面情緒.
Can I have one, just one magic mushroom? I will taste it on the tip of my tongue with my whole hearted LOVE and a hot air balloon will come to take me away.

22 comments:

聚水藏風 said...

何時要出書?:)

material girl said...

MissLK,
(拍拍) 再忍耐一週,再忍耐一週啊。
要不然這週就全心讀 Harry Potter 全集好了!讀的時候感覺所有煩惱都只是個人恩怨,不比擊敗 Voldemort 的大業重要。:D

Echo said...

家家有本難念的經 與其說是代溝不如說是性格差異 家母也常讓我想逃 我每天興沖沖過日子 覺得天下沒有甚麼解決不了的事 母親則是專注掃描任何不愉快的事情 而且一見面就全數傾倒累積的抱怨 完全沒有一句好話 我也只能關起耳朵歎氣

看來 Boulett's Larder 的雅趣美食 也是個慰藉。Hang in there!

Miss LK said...

聚水藏風,

我表達複雜感情的手法粗糙,哪天能行雲流水並串連別緻意像,才有寫書的資格:)

MG,

當然是打倒Voldemort重要!!!
我也覺得自己很遜,工作再累再困難我都興緻勃勃,可是一碰上這種婆婆媽媽家庭倫理我就全身乏力。

Miss LK said...

Echo,
我的情況類似,母親和我存活在不同的世界。 母親害怕寂寞喜歡熱鬧,身處眾親友中八卦喧嘩東家長西家短如魚得水,我不照做便是孤僻冷漠無情。

李爾王的小女兒不願在眾臣和兩位虛偽的姐姐面前宣誓對父親的忠誠,是不是有點異曲同工之妙呢? 一場家庭鬧劇讓我更接近莎士比亞倒也是silver lining :)

Sue said...

t你媽可以到華人教會看看,她應該會喜歡的!
只要把她搞定了,你的日子也許就會比較好過吧!
如需我介绍合適的教會,請告知。

Miss LK said...

Sue,
謝謝大家的好意!!!
人愈老愈固執, 我母親霸道了ㄧ輩子, 家人總是讓著她... 要她因信主而重生似乎是不可能的任務吧!

Sue said...

哈哈哈,不客氣, but never say never!而且教會所提供的團契生活是一個可以認識结交年龄背景相似的朋友的好地方。向你推薦基督四家
20548 Lomita Ave, Saratoga,CA95070
電話408-867-6264/867-6880請指名找寇長老。www.hoc4.org

Anonymous said...

dear sis,

i am sure you know what to do!

1) find a nanny asap & send lk ma home
2) remind yourself - when/how did you fall in love with this person when you about to yell at him

mian

Miss LK said...

Dear Mian,
Among all our cousins, you are probably the one who can empathize.
Soon you will find me labeled 'the ungrateful daughter' discussed steamingly between relatives. Trust me, my mother/your aunt, she will not give a rest until a self made destruction takes place. History repeats and I just realize what I am doing these days is exactly what my father chose to do with his wife, escaping.
On a slightly lighter subject, I believe the true success of a relationship is actually not unwavered love or loyalty, but to help each other becoming who he or she wants to be.

Anonymous said...

Call me anytime if you need a calmly chat.

mian

Anonymous said...

Dear,

最後那句, 共勉之!

V

Miss LK said...

Dear V,

看來你我不約而同正承受著生命中某些煎熬, 我相信what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. 期盼早日撥雲見月, 繼續交流筆下逸情.

You take good care, too.

fish said...

Dear Miss LK,

上篇與這篇一起讀下來,讀到心坎裡.好幾回我也想一走了之,但看到小J,就又心軟.如果單親,小J應該是辛苦的.前陣子大J首先發難,在與我大戰無數回合後,離家出走.厚!那幾天我感到無比自由舒暢!

我知道我心中有很多吶喊,做一個自由的自己.甚至想到一個沒人認識的地方從新開始.但就是捨不得小J.我相信你應該也是.可愛的小V是你心頭的一塊肉.讓你得顧慮到許多.

不過"做自己"最實在.老媽唸隨她吧!反正她也知自己女兒個性.但如果壓抑自己,得了憂鬱症,才是賠了夫人又折兵.記得有個朋友這樣說,沒關係,我一定會活的比你久,到時候看誰厲害!!(玩笑話!聽聽就好:D)

Miss LK said...

Dear fish,
我想高呼: 姐妹們加油啊!你的苦我知道。
歷經一塲家庭風暴我時不時悲從中來,漸漸想開了,以前怕早死對母親不孝,現在看清這條不歸路,若我先她而去,未嚐不是個解脫?
人生中我們能選擇的是志業,不能選擇的當是修行。

Sue said...

Sorry to learn the news!:(
好好休息,需要幫忙請告知。

Miss LK said...

The day will come when I can mourn but right now I must move on...

Thank you for the caring words!

Anonymous said...

dear sis,

i am always here for u - whenever & however you need. call me anytime.

mian

Miss LK said...

Dear Mian,

I will be fine. It takes time to forgive and forget.

Sis

聚水藏風 said...

左欄的news好令人吃驚。要好好保養身體和精神哩。祝福妳~

material girl said...

Take care!

Miss LK said...

Thank you for all warm encouragements!

I am healing a little each day and hope to become the person I want to be :)

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