為賦新辭… 天涼好個秋 Rehabilitation and Revelation

Drum rolls… the Nobel Prize in Literature is awarded to Kazuo Ishiguro for ‘who, in novels of great emotional force, has uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory connection with the world.’  Beautiful.  At last, a couple decades after Szymborska, another laureate who transcends the conscious uncoupling of my reading repertoire and comprehension capacity.

這段時日考驗韌性, 生命種種挫折孤離, 人與人之間的關係瞬息萬變…

曾經深信不疑的死黨, 多年來只要她十萬火急來電哭訴丈夫吵架閨密糾紛, 再忙我沒有一次不是放下手邊要務聆聽開解, 而今我脆弱求助她沒有回報對等的慈悲, 連話都不讓說完便再三批判.  我強忍脾氣不問當年入醫道:  你可曾發過希波克拉底的誓言?  近年聚會見我穿什麼拎什麼, 回家立刻上網蒐尋同款式的衣裳手袋, 初始我笑手帕交老來俏, 多幾次就明瞭這是種不甘人後的惶恐.  要承認, 病人難免敏感多疑, 她見慣手術房生死劫, 我區區家族遺傳病算什麼?  然她何等聰明, 有心自會體諒, 那難以言喻的鴻溝讓我清楚意識… 在愛馬仕柏金包Tesla waiting list和送兒子進貴族私校等同儕醫生較勁之間, 你早無意關懷我.  也罷, 對他人抱任何期待皆是沉淪的開始, 某天當你我眷念對方好處多過分歧, 自然會重拾舊情.  此時此刻, 我首要任務是恢復健康.

What I have gone through recently was debilitating, resonated profoundly the very first time I read Ishiguro, The Remains of The Day and every read followed by The Unconsoled, Never Let Me Go and The Buried Giant.

I needed a friend and found one in his writing.

與眾醫斡旋, 深覺西學盲點, 生命中的良醫有數位:  全方位主治大夫Dr. R帥如電影明星(收費也像), 首次會診我很存疑… 請鐘點男模冒充醫生是詐騙集團新花招嗎?!  日期有功, 頗折服他的平和敏銳開明, 他也問:  LK一輩子都是優等生吧?  從未見病人自動自發飽讀所有相關醫學文獻.  欸, 我可是我父親的嫡女.  Chiropractor  Dr. DB則看著像女版Hagrid, 轉行前是UA當年極少數的女性飛機師, 最大嗜好是蒐藏Manolo Blahnik美鞋, 她卻真正關愛病人, 我哀憐因病消瘦, 她說自己連想著食物都發胖I hate you, 黑色幽默逗愁雲慘霧中的我哈哈大笑.

In the end, I am more Hannibal than Will Graham.  While the later tends to get stuck in a moral maze, the former readily moves on expanding his memory palace while depicting a homoerotic scene from The Iliad with his superb artistry.  I will spare you A discussion on my appetite for now, shall we?

緣起緣滅學會豁達, 七月出差曼谷回程順道東京轉機, 學生時代的國際訪問學者室友美和子早訂好北海道飛東京的機票.  我們在Tokyo Midtown相聚, 天南地北聊她即將於西班牙和法國等地開啟的藝術展和我數項新企劃案, Mies van der Rohe設計一代宗師, 能在大師Barcelona的紀念館The Pavilion舉辦個展, 老朋友攀登創作頂峰, 讓人為她驕傲起立鼓掌!!!  美和子特異獨行, 多年來天才洋溢卻不怎麼在乎名利, 外貌深沈艷麗但乏女性自覺, 眾友中波希米亞代表, 這樣的她竟對我說開始有結婚的念頭, 然對象人選都起碼小她十五歲 :)  想著當年紐約相偕赴東村電影院共賞原版Beauty and The Beast相對微笑, 慶幸流金歲月雖淘盡不少人的真, 美和子與我倒都不識時務的保存些許童心未泯.

In light of what professionalism has gotten me(an autoimmune condition with a plethora of complications), I have decided that with each long haul flight I hop on for work, I will do something inspiring for myself, be it a detour to visit an old friend's new exhibition or a culinary expedition reviving my senses... anything, I must shower my love with love.  She will desert me if I don't repent.

先前瘦得仙風道骨自卑非常, 參加美麗格友婚宴深怕破壞畫面平衡, 拿出大學時代壓箱寶, 和外婆母親遊遍歐陸, 出席巴黎蒙地卡羅各地高檔餐廳時備下的修身及膝淺色夏裝. 款式仍經典, 前胸雙肩卻不如當年豐潤, 披上同色系復古豎領小外套遮醜, 拿獨立設計師Marie Turner裸粉麂皮clutch, 算向當季時尚致意, 這套夏裝也曾和LK先生於The French Laundry結婚週年首場生日宴穿過, 是祝福Echo與L先生琴瑟和鳴吉兆 :)

Dumbledore has long become my Mother Mary since HP's debut years ago.  In dark times, I revisited the series and am still touched by how the story evolved in such brilliance from a seemingly innocent magic tale to a dark, dark epic of apocalypse now with characters of conflicting complexities. Nobel Prize for J.K. Rowling?  Unequivocally YES!!!

人在病中五感敏銳, 對世態感受更為透澈, 社交場合碰著隱性顯性的it's all about me me me敷衍半晌便厭倦迴避, 見老朋友M為協商我們已故S教授身後事身後名幾度往返西雅圖難能可貴, 就算對我抱怨美國遺產法繁複棘手, 善良的M正直清明, 如斯重任捨他其誰?  記得學生時代每和他通電話, M的香港室友便在旁唱起張學友嵌有我英文名的招牌歌曲揶揄M(咦, 此人不是該為我終身未娶, 惆悵半生的嗎?) 俏皮的青春歲月忽地走遠, 人到中年, 不變的是, 我們仍為彼此知性的雙翼.

Revelation?  I am quite vulnerable and definitely not the Amazon I thought I was… yet too proud to ask for a shoulder to cry on.  Fortunately the world unraveled to be more compassionate than the cynic in me anticipated.  While some whom I formerly considered experts in the subject matter gave me a brush off, there still is the precious few who warmly offered me a spot near the nave.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

我向來看重學生時代舊識, 對工作上結交的朋友因生意往來, 難免戒備.  意想不到此番生病, 對我直言你怎麼骨瘦眼凸病成這般鬼模樣, 以及開導訊問康復進度的竟是遠距離的H老闆(!), 我平日的風趣機智, 生起病完完全全轉換諷刺尖銳鬼見愁, 難為他不亢不卑提點, 那天往曼谷班機前, H老闆趕早接我於清晨的上海到街坊老店吃松針蒸小籠包, 鮮肉蛋黃蟹粉三重奏妙不可言!  古代知識份子不為五斗米折腰, 仕途進退之際蒓鱸雅思乃假仙的'何不食肉麋',  失意文人互贈暖肚餅則是平實幽默的雪中送炭, 今時H老闆請吃小籠包, 高興不減但味覺上我顯然走運多了.  人年紀愈長愈難卸心防, H老闆與我性別年齡差異, 天南地北的兩個人剝除種種表層, 本質其實極相像:  孤獨, 正直, 玩世不恭.  人生緣份坐看雲起, 這是友情上的見自己, 也見真.      

Metamorphosis it was… on my birthday I had my runway debut!!!  It's for an all hands company event.  I was selected to model the Turandot-esque palazzo gown with ethereal kimono top in the spirit of Anna Sui and the virgin catwalk was inundated with rave reviews for my cool portrayal of the haughty elegance.  Come on.  I am a hardcore fan of Hannibal.  Playing a latent sociopath turned blood thirst serial killer… a piece of cake!  I drove daily on the Embarcadero lined with SF Opera flyers of Turandot and years ago, I attended one at The Metropolitan.  Needless to say, the libretto is breathtaking.  Nessun dorma!  Nessun dorma!  Tu pure, oh Principessa… I do appreciate the feminist streaks in Turandot vs. the pathological martyrdom in Puccini's other magnum opus like… Madame Butterfly.  For those who studied Chinese history all knew that a principessa was no emperor daddy's little girl.  On the contrary, depending on her maternal relations if they held military privilege or not, she was merely a royal blood whore whom could be dispatched to any foreign warlord in the name of the dynasty's matrimonial allegiance during turbulent times.  Turandot's primal fear of being ravished by foreign power was solemnly real but whoever her psychiatric therapist was, that person needed to be sacked sparing innocent lives(and handsome heads!)  Maestro Puccini, you didn't get China and you didn't get women, at all.  Per, piacere.

今年生日開創舉替品牌走伸展臺(!!!)  本來是曼谷出差回來便應總裁召集, 和其它幾位總監飛Arizona四天三夜外部全員大會聖誕發表服裝秀, 織品部的設計師還為我氣質身裁量身定做整套搖滾龐克裝, 然出差回來我驚覺自己病得不輕, 毅然請辭這出風頭機會留守本部為新秋重季籌劃, 雖可惜但有什麼能重要過健康呢?  誰知峰迴路轉八月底本部全員大會要重現服裝秀盛況, 我責無旁貸抱病上陣.  此次受命演繹偶像AS氣派懾人的杜蘭朵公主裝, 獲佳評如潮 :)   難為習慣素顏的我, 上回頂個大濃妝是本世紀初與LK先生的婚禮… 走完伸展臺回到工作室, 立馬溜進盥洗室抹淨專業化妝師巧手畫就的粉底眼影睫毛膏, 教蜂擁入我辦公室要近距離看’名模LK’兼合照的眾人撲個空, 走秀當天正好是我生日, 頓悟命運無限可能, 非常形而上的破繭蛻變.  

ps.  As usual, these images from my stop over in Tokyo(except my runway debut gif) don't match the essay content.  Dear reader, I know what you are going to say... something in Latin probably :)