我有好多話跟你講 Ulysses

My father passed on in May 2011.  Being an atheist his whole life, I am not sure if he is with God or Dionysus in the after life… I miss you, dad.  He was also a literati.  So perhaps reading Ulysses, I might summon if not the friendly spirit I long to be reunited, then at least my deeply buried inner peace.

As my schizophrenic norm, the images document the culinary odyssey at Dominique Bouchet Tokyo where Mr. LK and I celebrated our Crystal anniversary, along with Little V.

那天在Wholefoods買菜, 旁聽華裔小女孩摟著父親的頸項, 嬌聲嬌氣對揹著自己的父親說:  爸爸, 我有好多話跟你講!  那位身型瘦小的父親滿臉憐惜, 甜得要晃出蜜, 直回說:  慢慢講, 爸爸聽.  ㄧ時間, 我杵在蔬果並列的購物架前發癡, 心頭小小的裂縫愈撕愈大…
我的父親, 已離世近七年, 我有好多好多的話, 好多好多的委屈, 祇能埋藏心底; 不可以讓任何人知道, 鋼鐵般的我, 也會猶豫, 也會害怕, 也會擔憂… 剝除層層才華能力, 沒有人會真心, 深愛充滿缺陷的我. 

For always roaming with a hungry heart

Much have I seen and own; cities of men...

父親在世的時候, 我並不撒嬌, 甚至更像朋友.  或許因為聰明博學的父親ㄧ直當女兒是智識交流無礙的平輩, 父親的存在讓我安心自信, 他懂我.  本世紀初, 我和LK先生結婚, 宴席上父親熱淚盈眶, 捉著LK先生肩膀嚴聲訓念:  你要對她好, 不要約束她.  

這麼多年來, 雙翼早被現實磨得支離破碎, 始終, 我桀傲不馴, 再困難的關頭, 咬牙就挺過去了, 不是沒代價, 性格隨之孤僻冷淡, 健康亮起紅燈, 哪裏值得?!

How dull it is to pause, to make an end,

To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!

As tho' to breathe were life!  Life piled on life...

婚姻是種奧妙的關係, 愛情慾望皆言過其實, 很幸運, LK先生向來包容我偏執激烈的哲學風格, 與我這樣的怪咖為伴, 大概是件辛苦的事.  偶爾我亦有十分娘炮的奇想:  怎麼沒為他生個乖巧可愛, 會摟著父親脖子撒嬌的女兒?  我倆的獨子, 青出於藍勝於藍, 比他母親黑色幽默百倍.  全家福於東京Dominique Bouchet歡慶水晶婚, 領班見小V還是個孩子, 問他要不要選項較簡的餐單, 他大少爺懶懶回應:  海陸全餐, 一樣都別少.   待酒足飯飽, 肚子撐的快滾地求饒, 小V老氣橫秋的又說:  下回你倆結婚週年別算我啊… 這麼吃法要人命!!!

And this gray spirit yearning in desire

To follow knowledge like a sinking star,

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

都四月初, 又風又雨, 推垃圾桶出門, 仍冷的直哆唆.  街頭巷尾卻是春纓綻放如雪, 拂了ㄧ身還滿.  花香襲人,  飄著飄著落在髪際, 想起年少時和父親討論李後主, 父女倆挾持亡國之君, 三人行, 必有我師… 嗅著柔似絲絨的花瓣, 憶亡父, 刹那即永恆.

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

_____ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

買個菜倒個垃圾皆可如斯多內心戲, LK先生拜託趕緊出完差, 回來接手這些家常瑣事吧!

Little V was the one who requested seven courses menu yet after the grand feast, moaning from gluttony - 'That anniversary of yours nearly killed me!!!'