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Friday, January 11, 2013

青春輓歌 A Cat, the Psychotherapy, and Wallflower Perks

Home for the holidays… it was an extremely tough trip this time.  As difficult as it had been, I still found reflections close to heart: What really defines a family?  What deems a fulfilling life?  I never quite experienced adolescence because during my teenage years, I had to reach the emotional maturity in order to survive.  I was stoic.  As if the spell started to wear off, the long buried anguish surfaced breaching filial piety.  In the end, everything I learned from Greek Tragedy was excruciatingly faithful.  On my flight back to San Francisco, the coming of age movie The Perks of Being A Wallflower summed up my feelings elegantly. 


強忍時差加完班, 從工作室開車回家ㄧ路上驚險萬分, 不知不覺眼皮低垂, 只得反覆播著Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners提神… 以手風琴伴奏的旋律突兀, 悠揚中帶些不協調的張力讓人上癮.  在由臺北至舊金山的航班觀賞The Perks of Being A Wallflower後就迷上了電影和配樂, 說得是苦澀迷惘莽撞的青春,
編導手法卻細緻流暢溫柔的如醇酒好茶, 年輕的演員光采奪目, 有中性邪氣魅力十足的Ezra Miller, 出落的美艷驚人的Emma Watson, 男主角Logan Lerman有雙暖烘烘的藍眼睛, 稱職的演繹那個內斂早熟, 習慣把痛苦深埋心底的男孩.  還好, 不是沒有救贖, 友誼, 求生本能, 與對快樂的憧憬終究能在緊要關頭拉我們ㄧ把… 聽著New Order, David Bowie… 彷彿回到早已遺忘的年代.


At my little aunt's funeral, the Heart Sutra was chanted by Buddhist monks like a requiem.  Her portrait was taken perhaps a couple years before her passing; she was striking.  Always there to receive me during all of my trips home, to be there for me, a mother, an elder sister… how am I or anyone to cope with this eternal void from this point on when a very special person in one's life is just lost forever? I saw this sea urchin fossil written all over with the Heart Sutra by the artist Charwei Tsai at the Louis Vuitton exhibition titled A Dedication to Sea/to tsunami victims, I broke down in tears. 


Thankfully I was able to spend a couple days in Singapore where tropical sun seemed to pick me up.  I did nothing special but to maneuver the daily routine as if I still lived there.  Grocery shopping, tea time, a manicure… I acquired a renewed gratitude for all simple gestures in life. 

結婚十週年LK先生問我要啥禮物, 我高呼'自由', 也任他自由詮釋 :P  聖誕節給自己的大禮是ㄧ臺Vitamix和開始心理諮詢, 治療師是母校心理學客座教授, 辦公室位於校園旁沈睡森林中庭院深深深幾許的老宅. 冬天晝短夜長, 下班後驅車趕到那兒連路燈都沒有的羊腸小徑心頭ㄧ凜: What am I getting myself into?  Dr. R知性優雅, 沈緩的語調漸漸卸去我心防.  面對的不是親人或朋友, 反而能就事論事將多年心結娓娓道來, 不再自責愧疚充滿罪惡感, 客觀是份超然.  這位應是義大利裔的熟年教授不知怎麼總讓我想起日本女星小雪(可能是筆挺的肩膀與線條堅毅的臉龐), 她的診斷是我性格獨立, 其實已深悉自癒的工具如書寫繪畫.  Dr. R的處方簡簡單單make time for yourself… 知易行難呵... 會談結束時窗邊印上ㄧ隻灰影, 原來是Dr. R的家貓, 那隻碧綠眼睛的虎斑甚有靈性, 送客似的陪我走到車庫盡頭才跑回燈火昏暗的小屋. 
While getting up early every morning to be the first at the hotel breakfast table, I charted out My Happiness Project inspired by reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  To inaugurate 2013, I decided to seek professional guidance: psychotherapy to treat the long standing conflicts with my mother.  By confronting a problem, I hope the suture on my heart would eventually loosen threads of wisdom lighting up a path to the darkest corner of the soul. 

小V和LK先生都沒耐性調時差, 七點鐘沒到便鑽入溫暖的被窩夢周公(然後父子倆半夜再摸黑起來看Star Wars) 我硬撐著洗碗整理廚房準備明天午餐, 煎著噴香的糖醋雞腿時, 落地窗前來了隻琥珀眼睛的三色貓, 胖嘟嘟圓滾滾的身體直立, 毛茸茸的小腳輕拍紗窗邊喵喵叫, 似乎是說天那麼冷, 可以收留我嗎?  瞧那不怕人的樣子或許是哪家鄰居蹺家的寵物!  我雖然愛貓, 可惜家中有小V這超級過敏兒, 是不能留貓客的, 無奈掩上窗門.  寒夜, 握著熱茶, 心少有的平靜.  這些日子來的風風雨雨, 我相信, 是為與更成熟的自己相遇而埋下的伏筆. 
How did I turn my blog about travel, design, and gourmet food into a mid life crisis forum?  Enough of the voice from hell, here is the tea poached pear eye candy wishing everyone a wonderful 2013!!! 有些遲, 仍然要祝大家新年快樂!!! 


I was visited by cats twice in a week.  One was my therapist's cat that escorted me to the driveway when my session ended and the other was a stray calico that landed on the porch in a cold winter night when I was sautéing chicken drumstick for Little V's next day lunch.  Was it you, Fifi?  To send me a consoling message from the kitty heaven that you saw my aunt at the rainbow bridge and she was at peace?

10 comments:

Echo said...

心理治療師不給妳答案 但是引導妳自己找出癥結和盲點 相信助益良多。覺得你已經跨出 healing 的一大步 加油!

我也喜歡 The Happiness Project 的 task 導向 每天上心就會漸漸成為一種習慣。這個月努力奉行每日丟一物

唉呀 見不得貓寒夜敲門 我小時候就是這樣撿進許多流浪貓 :)

V said...

跟治療師說說話,這可也是自我探討的過程(?)勇敢面對是第一步,祝妳順利。Make time for yourself...共勉之!

PS最近接了幾個food styling/photography案子,成天在美食打轉,卻無時無刻處在肌餓中。

Rice Bowl Tales 有碗話碗 said...

同意 Echo 和 V 的說法。抽絲剝繭,要處理任何結成一團的思緒、情感或事物,行出第一步或抽起第一線已是勇敢而正面的行動。

愛妳關心妳的人都替你打氣,加油!!

Miss LK said...

Echo,
我對長毛胖貓最沒抵抗力,如非家有小v定會留牠一晚挨過嚴寒再說...
人心像錯縱複雜的迷宮,經治療師的引導,我開始有勇氣站在那扇多年前重重關上的鐵門前,釋放那個被我遺棄許久的小女孩,學習與她共存 :)

Miss LK said...

V,
哈哈,或許處於飢餓狀態下攝影美食,更能拍出誘惑的渴望吧?恭喜你新事業邁進一大步!我也是小小工作狂,做著自己喜歡的企劃案總是廢寢忘食。
目前的療程不大像看心理醫生,反而近似回校園找教授討論學術問題,沒有爭辯誰是誰非的情緒,而是解析因果加深對生命的體認,或許將來時間許可,再修門心理學!

Miss LK said...

Jane,
謝謝大家關心!!!
我始終認為自己很幸運,縱使一路上披荊斬棘,總也能看見荊棘叢中的白玫瑰,為它的美麗芬芳深深感動 :)

material girl said...

Miss LK 加油啊!^o^
專業治療師可以冷靜地點出盲點,是業餘又熱血的朋友們所不能及的。祝 Miss LK 在新的一年裡能夠解決人生難題,得到真正心境自由!

Miss LK said...

雖說業餘,熱血的朋友是我精神一大支柱哪!有你們相陪,我才有勇氣活出自己:)真的,身體健康心境自由人生復有何求?

material girl said...

Miss LK,
我在寫我的包包文時想到妳之前把家裡傳下來的高級衣物拿去捐了。的確每個人有不同的包袱,傳家只有地攤包的我希望能有好東西使用,而傳家有錦衣的妳卻想要把它們捐出... 我覺得過去如何,家庭如何,就是特殊的環境背景才造就了特別的 Miss LK 啊。如果是生長在一個像是 Pleasantville 的虛幻和諧背景,Miss LK 一定不會和今天一樣自主獨立有才華多感。這就是人生啊,有代價才有收穫...
希望妳早日找到與過去和平相處的方法。^^

Miss LK said...

這就是各有前因莫羨人吧! 對高級時裝本身我沒意見,是童年陰影,旁觀對婚姻失望的母親狂買錦衣華服填補心頭那永遠填不滿的空虛,那麼漂亮的女人卻總是那麼憤怒和悲哀,往好方面看,因耳濡目染,我培養了對名牌衣飾還不錯的鑑賞力,也深刻領悟到物質的確能帶來快樂,但物質帶來的快樂很短暫,而我自己想要捐出母親家傳華服的動作,或許是潛意識裏吶喊:不要再對我說都是為了我們你才不和爸爸離婚!!!
回到傳家的正題,我手飾盒中有一串毫不起眼的黑色玻璃珠鏈,是父親不知去中東那個國家開會在機場免稅店買的伴手禮,我很珍惜,因為想到對身外物向來不在意的父親買下珠鏈的心情,掌上明珠and I have always been the black sheep of the family therefore the black pearls :)
我衣櫃中有外婆傳下的卡其布風衣,當然我和美麗的外婆差遠了,但每穿上總想著似乎和心目中那簡簡單單自然優雅的女性又接近許多。

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