青春輓歌 A Cat, the Psychotherapy, and Wallflower Perks

Home for the holidays… it was an extremely tough trip this time.  As difficult as it had been, I still found reflections close to heart: What really defines a family?  What deems a fulfilling life?  I never quite experienced adolescence because during my teenage years, I had to reach the emotional maturity in order to survive.  I was stoic.  As if the spell started to wear off, the long buried anguish surfaced breaching filial piety.  In the end, everything I learned from Greek Tragedy was excruciatingly faithful.  On my flight back to San Francisco, the coming of age movie The Perks of Being A Wallflower summed up my feelings elegantly. 

強忍時差加完班, 從工作室開車回家ㄧ路上驚險萬分, 不知不覺眼皮低垂, 只得反覆播著Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners提神… 以手風琴伴奏的旋律突兀, 悠揚中帶些不協調的張力讓人上癮.  在由臺北至舊金山的航班觀賞The Perks of Being A Wallflower後就迷上了電影和配樂, 說得是苦澀迷惘莽撞的青春,
編導手法卻細緻流暢溫柔的如醇酒好茶, 年輕的演員光采奪目, 有中性邪氣魅力十足的Ezra Miller, 出落的美艷驚人的Emma Watson, 男主角Logan Lerman有雙暖烘烘的藍眼睛, 稱職的演繹那個內斂早熟, 習慣把痛苦深埋心底的男孩.  還好, 不是沒有救贖, 友誼, 求生本能, 與對快樂的憧憬終究能在緊要關頭拉我們ㄧ把… 聽著New Order, David Bowie… 彷彿回到早已遺忘的年代.

At my little aunt's funeral, the Heart Sutra was chanted by Buddhist monks like a requiem.  Her portrait was taken perhaps a couple years before her passing; she was striking.  Always there to receive me during all of my trips home, to be there for me, a mother, an elder sister… how am I or anyone to cope with this eternal void from this point on when a very special person in one's life is just lost forever? I saw this sea urchin fossil written all over with the Heart Sutra by the artist Charwei Tsai at the Louis Vuitton exhibition titled A Dedication to Sea/to tsunami victims, I broke down in tears. 

Thankfully I was able to spend a couple days in Singapore where tropical sun seemed to pick me up.  I did nothing special but to maneuver the daily routine as if I still lived there.  Grocery shopping, tea time, a manicure… I acquired a renewed gratitude for all simple gestures in life. 

結婚十週年LK先生問我要啥禮物, 我高呼'自由', 也任他自由詮釋 :P  聖誕節給自己的大禮是ㄧ臺Vitamix和開始心理諮詢, 治療師是母校心理學客座教授, 辦公室位於校園旁沈睡森林中庭院深深深幾許的老宅. 冬天晝短夜長, 下班後驅車趕到那兒連路燈都沒有的羊腸小徑心頭ㄧ凜: What am I getting myself into?  Dr. R知性優雅, 沈緩的語調漸漸卸去我心防.  面對的不是親人或朋友, 反而能就事論事將多年心結娓娓道來, 不再自責愧疚充滿罪惡感, 客觀是份超然.  這位應是義大利裔的熟年教授不知怎麼總讓我想起日本女星小雪(可能是筆挺的肩膀與線條堅毅的臉龐), 她的診斷是我性格獨立, 其實已深悉自癒的工具如書寫繪畫.  Dr. R的處方簡簡單單make time for yourself… 知易行難呵... 會談結束時窗邊印上ㄧ隻灰影, 原來是Dr. R的家貓, 那隻碧綠眼睛的虎斑甚有靈性, 送客似的陪我走到車庫盡頭才跑回燈火昏暗的小屋. 

While getting up early every morning to be the first at the hotel breakfast table, I charted out My Happiness Project inspired by reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  To inaugurate 2013, I decided to seek professional guidance: psychotherapy to treat the long standing conflicts with my mother.  By confronting a problem, I hope the suture on my heart would eventually loosen threads of wisdom lighting up a path to the darkest corner of the soul. 

小V和LK先生都沒耐性調時差, 七點鐘沒到便鑽入溫暖的被窩夢周公(然後父子倆半夜再摸黑起來看Star Wars) 我硬撐著洗碗整理廚房準備明天午餐, 煎著噴香的糖醋雞腿時, 落地窗前來了隻琥珀眼睛的三色貓, 胖嘟嘟圓滾滾的身體直立, 毛茸茸的小腳輕拍紗窗邊喵喵叫, 似乎是說天那麼冷, 可以收留我嗎?  瞧那不怕人的樣子或許是哪家鄰居蹺家的寵物!  我雖然愛貓, 可惜家中有小V這超級過敏兒, 是不能留貓客的, 無奈掩上窗門.  寒夜, 握著熱茶, 心少有的平靜.  這些日子來的風風雨雨, 我相信, 是為與更成熟的自己相遇而埋下的伏筆. 

How did I turn my blog about travel, design, and gourmet food into a mid life crisis forum?  Enough of the voice from hell, here is the tea poached pear eye candy wishing everyone a wonderful 2013!!! 有些遲, 仍然要祝大家新年快樂!!! 

I was visited by cats twice in a week.  One was my therapist's cat that escorted me to the driveway when my session ended and the other was a stray calico that landed on the porch in a cold winter night when I was sautéing chicken drumstick for Little V's next day lunch.  Was it you, Fifi?  To send me a consoling message from the kitty heaven that you saw my aunt at the rainbow bridge and she was at peace?